Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.