Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
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Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…