*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.