<- sleeps well with others
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in