Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that