i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”