The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: I鈥檇 like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: I don鈥檛 believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it鈥檚 actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you鈥檙e bored of this conversation
Last words: 鈥淥h, you鈥檙e not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Who called it a wolf in sheep鈥檚 clothing and not a woolf?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Squirrel having fun.. 馃槄
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Optimus Prime鈥檚 mom walking in on him while he鈥檚 carjacking
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If you鈥檙e planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don鈥檛.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I鈥檒l see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog