If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that