Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone