I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Just a bush.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death