Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take