I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.