There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
iPhone X
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I am also baked goods
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.