saving face 👀
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in