realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..