Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school