Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?