My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Raisins are grape jerky.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.