When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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adding to the discourse
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!