Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
notice
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby