Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
need him
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive