I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Cheers Twitter.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.