very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m Sold!
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
North and South
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
bury ourselves
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?