I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen