I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.