The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
classic mixup
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.