I’m going to need a moment here.
You Might Also Like
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.