Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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Growing out my freckles.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business