[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.