I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
School be like
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
boat question
vegan witches, happy halloween!