[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 馃幎 Don’t you forget about me 馃幎
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I鈥檒l be a wombat.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can鈥檛 read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
HERE’S MARKY
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone鈥檚 well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I鈥檝e been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
john wicks are toilet candles
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.