wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
what does he know…
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*