Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Miscakes
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Realize this: