Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My blood type is b hungry.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.