Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.