Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.