“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time