If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
In case you needed to hear it:
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
smartest karate player in the world
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..