Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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happy friday
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!