eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
You Might Also Like
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes