I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot