Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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some Old Testament wisdom
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
step 6: release the wall snake
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.