My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Bros before Ohioes
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”