In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down