Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
🤣😂
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️