I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here