I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Planet of the Apps.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.