You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas