To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.