Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Finally, an explanation.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs